12 Tips on How to Avoid Space Shark Attacks

Here's How:

1. Adjust your clock to synchronize with gravitational time delation.
2. Float or jetsurf only with fellow explorers, and don’t move too far away from planetary orbit.
3. Stay out of dark matter space at dawn, dusk, and night, when some species of space sharks may move into galatical orbit to feed.
4. Do not enter the deep space if you have open wounds or are bleeding in any way. Space sharks can detect blood, THC and body fluids in extremely small concentrations.
5. Avoid murky space, spaceship harbor entrances, quantum aeroportals, binary pulsars, areas near comet stream mouths (especially after heavy astroid rains), UFO channels, or steep drop offs (black holes). These types of deep space are known to be frequented by space sharks.
6. DO wear high-contrast clothing and shiny jewelry. Space sharks are freightened by sharp contrast and excessive wealth.
7. Refrain from radical spacetime-splashing; keep astropets, which float erratically, out of deep space. Space sharks are known to be attracted to such activity.
8. Avoid shifts in inertial reference frames (unless it's an absolute reference frame).
9. Do not enter deep space if space sharks are known to be present, and leave the space quickly and calmly if one is sighted. Do not use rocket fire to provoke or harass a space shark, even it is a relatively small one.
10. If particlefish or turtlemasses start to behave erratically, leave the space. Be alert to the presence of space dolphins, as they are prey for some large space sharks.
11. Remove speared particlefish from the space or tow them a safe distance behind you. Do not float near explorers particlefishing or spearparticlefishing (especially along the X-axis). Stay away from dead animals in the space.
12. Float or jetsurf in orbit patrolled by lightguards, and follow their advice.

Stolen CIA files - May 15, 1998

Data produced from inducing Patient 169b into hallucinations for the 1998 tests of endotriglyceratonin, an experimental compound used to remove delirium tremens from soldiers still suffering from Post-War syndrome.

-----------

CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED

Patient 158b
30 mg endtroglyceratonin
3 minute monologue
Transcribed by Dr. Leo Mendes, M.D.

they're on a weed spaceship
weed doctor haunted by weed past
A.W. (after weed) 2047
DMX, not lawrence fishburn
gravitational bubbleator
weed palace and rampant marijuana growth
trapped without lighter
swamp thing made of weed and weed blood hash oil
WEED HELL
weed death = dead weed plants were everywhere
resurrect the weed paradise?
all of their weed nightmares start becoming real = no weed anywhere!
they find a video of people getting annihilated by weed
oh shit this place is fucked up we need to get out of here
sam o'niell putting holes through people and smoking weed out through them
DMX realizes he needs to kill sam o'niell
so sam o'niell takes a broken bong and smashes it through DMX' head
Sam o'niell sucks his brains out and mashes a bowl into his brain cavity
he packs the bowl full of VESTIBULUM RUTRUM weed
he smokes it through his skull
then a huge weed plant bursts out of his stomach as he writhes in agony
hot stoner chick finds herself being cryogenically frozen in a bubbling vat of liquid THC
she breaks out and at first she thinks she has been caught by the police
but then she snaps out of it and realizes that someone is handing her non-weed event horizon-weed to smoke
that someone in not a person
that weed was not handed by a hand
Space shark careens into the hull of the event horizon, rocking the chick out of her fucking mind
The space shark turns around and eats the event horizon and the black hole
Endlessly patrolling the universe, smelling for prey

Trash-bin Transmissions - August 23, 1995

The following transcript is a reading of galaxies, stars, and blips picked up by a SETI Project Argus Telescope in Utrecht University, August 23, 1995. It was placed into a "General Transmission - August" hard drive for Gerardus 't Hooft to review at a later date. It was trashed three weeks later.

........Andromeda....>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>...............NGC 584........ NGC 584........ NGC 584........DXCancri.......................]]]]][11[2[]]]]]]]][[[[111]]][[[[[.........[[[1111]][[]]]1[111[222]]][.........NGC 584.......Ross 248>>>>ROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS[[[[[[[[.....>>>>>>> <<<>>>................ M31................ M31.............................M31............... Wolf 424A....... Andromeda......... Andromeda......Groombridge34a....................................Gro.....Groombridge 34a....Gro.......Groombridge34 B............Andromeda..........<<<<<<

[[[[[[[]]]]]]]1111[1]]]1111]]]][<<<<<>>>>>>>><......NG584.............NG584..............Andromeda......................Ross 154.....

the genesis of space shark

Tormented by the blistering pace of the big city, Samir decided to take a week off and go to the local forest preserve for some peace of mind. Samir had been working for the National Fishery for three decades, so he had seen his fair share of fish. But nothing could ever have prepared him for the long series of unfortunate events that he was subjected to during his week off. Things were going fine until about the third day on the trails. Samir developed a nagging itch on the back of his neck, "prolly some poison oak." Too far along the trail to turn back, with no mirror to examine the rash, Samir began to be consumed by a penetrating agony eminating from his upper spine and manifesting itself in boiling blisters vulcanizing below his hairline. By the fourth day, the pain harassed him so much that he began to dig into the boils with the tip of his Swiss army knife, not knowing that this only made the boils hungrier. By the fourth night, Samir was debilitated and the boils began to consume the food and water in his backpack. On the fifth day, around noon, he was awakened by a large grizzly bear. Too much in pain to be afraid of the bear, Samir listened to the bear speak to him like James Earl Jones: "Sir, you are at death's door. Only I can help you." Samir tried to gather enough air in his lungs to talk but quickly realized it was pointless. The bear continued: "I will take you to the nearby lagoon. There, you will be able to relieve yourself of this horrible condition." Samir uttered a sigh of appreciation, and the bear heaved up Samir's dying body onto his back, Samir's head laying comfortably on the patch of fur just above the bear's tale. They walked slowly to the lagoon, which had in the middle of it a large pod-shaped structure. Before putting Samir down, the bear said: "Now, I ain't doin' all this taxi shit for free, Sir." Samir swallowed a huge glob of mucus and pain resonated through his entire body. The bear continued: "While you're up there, why don't you go ahead and lick my nuts." A huge shock wave rattled Samir's entire being, bucking him off the bear's back, onto his two feet. This made the bear incredibly irritated, so it let out a sonic roar and took a full-clawed swipe at the back of Samir's neck. The impact instantly blew up all of Samir's massive pussing blisters, releasing three or four dozen baby sharks out of the blisters into the lagoon. The baby sharks swam excitedly towards the pod in the lagoon, as Samir lay dead on the shore, in a pool of blood and puss. The bear ran off into the woods. The first baby shark swam frantically to the pod and set off the pod's rumbling engines. The entire lagoon began to bubble up into a corrosive-acidic liquid, consuming Samir's corpse. At the same instant, the pod began to elevate itself steadily upwards out of the lagoon, propelled by the engines. As the pod rose higher and higher, its top split open like a mouth, revealing 3 sets of serrated-blade teeth embedded in metallic flesh. As the pod propelled itself ever higher, a considerable dorsal fin materialized alongside 2 intimidatingly large pectoral fins. Meanwhile the bear had climbed up to the top of the highest tree in the forest, observing the events in the lagoon below from up above. The bear looked on as this enormous fish-like, mechanical object propelled itself higher and higher into the sky. Higher and higher into the atmosphere it went, into a void where time no longer has any meaning.

First Contact

In 1922, Alejandro Vicente Rosas Escobar of Monterrey Mexico put words to a concept only hinted at in recorded media.Escobar, a student at the Universidad of Monterrey in sociology and physics, had been testing teónanácatl on schizophrenic patients when Mars is in retrograde. Sitting at a local cantina on a rainy Thursday evening, witnesses have reported Escobar change in front of them, with his pupils enlarging, back straightening, and writing feverishly into a notebook. Soon after he collapsed on the floor never to walk again. Some witnesses have attributed this to demonic possession, others, a spiritual possession providing a divine train of thought that makes Nostradamus look like a jack ass. Upon his passing, a note was recovered from his jacket pocket. A portion has been translated below.

An aristocratic old man with three legs walks into the cantina that is falling off the end of the world. He steps to the bar and orders a bloody drink with animal puss dripping down the sides. He smiles with four teeth and laughs, the 4 diamond teeth shining, swigging the drink down like it is his fucking covenant. The drought that has permeated this particular ecosphere cracks the land and the cantina slips further, blood falling from the man’s glass onto the shit-ridden floor, coating the walls and bubbling with the cockroaches and vomit combination that was brewing under the bar. The stink, the stench that belted from his lungs eroded four planks, one of them coincidentally the one he was standing on, and he fell from the leaning cantina . Legs were shredded by the rusty, finger-long nails (one of them splayed in half), showering blood over his falling carcass. A shark leapt forty two feet in the air and maimed the body. The velocity of the shark escalated it to unprecedented heights, shattering the entire cantina in it’s upwards ascent. With dust and blood trickling from its body, the shark kept going upwards, a cloud of body parts, shit and blood. At nearly 40,000 feet the shark came into contact with a military plane, shattering the hull and proceeded to fuck up everyone inside. Desperate for help they turned on the fusion reactor that vaporized the shark into a red mist and everyone around it. The reactor, somehow the only thing around it at 40,000 feet that is not a martyr of carnage, meteors to the earth, catering in continental divide. The cold salty water triggers a reaction that sets off a fusion chain, destroying the continental divide. Magma spurts like a gash in a plump orange until it reaches the asteroid belt. The earth fucking blows up. The space shark eats everything.